Still sad

I am still sad.  Not like I was 5 months ago, and not all that often, but sometimes.  One reason that I hesitate to write or talk about it is that I wonder what people will think.  Will it seem like my sadness is a rejection of my daughter?   Some parents don't seem to grieve over this diagnosis as I have.  Are they better parents?  More open-hearted than I am? 

Also, I try not to dwell on this sadness because there is absolutely nothing I can do about her T21. It is a fact that I have to cope with, and the best thing I can do for myself and my daughter is to accept it and move on.   For the most part I have, but occasionally I have these set backs.

One occurred when we were on vacation.  T and I were sitting by a pool and there were these two girls playing there.  They must have been about 9, or somewhere in that wonderful age before teenagery self-consciousness sets in, and they were playing some elaborate game that involved naming categories of things and then their favorite things within those categories and then suddenly racing to the other side of the pool if they agreed, or maybe it was if they disagreed -- I couldn't quite figure out their rules, but whatever.  They had this easy way about them, joking around effortlessly and then suddenly blasting off with a burst of impressive athleticism and looking to T and me to decide the winner if it was close.  They were delightful.  They were what I always pictured our kids would be like.  Yes yes yes, I know that I will also take delight in my Miss B (I already do), and I know that even having the normal number of chromosomes does not always make for delightful kids, but as we were walking back to my parents' house I was overcome with the thought that my daughter will not be like these girls, and I lost it. 

Today I woke up feeling sad and I'm not sure why, but there it is.

And to make things complicated, I get all meta on my feelings.  So while I'm feeling sad, I'm also annoyed at myself for being sad.  Snap out of it self, I say.  Think about how good you have it.  She has no health problems, for instance.  Maybe in the future she will and you'll look back on this time and wonder why you weren't thrilled with every healthy minute.  And I feel sad that I'm sad, because she deserves to be appreciated for how wonderful she is instead of having me cry over her disability. 

So, enough of this.  I've had my little mood and it's time to let it go.  I have some free time while T is out with Miss B, so I need to accomplish something that I can feel good about.  (Besides blogging, blogging doesn't count.)  I believe that the best way to get yourself into a good mood is to pretend that you are in a good mood and just go ahead and do good mood sorts of things. The mood will conform to the behavior, eventually. Here goes.

Edited to add:

It's a few hours later and I'm better.  The cloud seems to have passed. 

Comments

[Shelley]

I know what you mean - my twins are nearly two and I still feel sad sometimes - like yesterday watching Hannah having such fun while her dad held her hands to help her walk. It was the sight of her little bandy legs struggling to coordinate that made me want to cry. But the sadness is a bit more like an old wound now - not as consuming as it could be in the early days - after all - she was having a ball! I must sya I kept hoping it was just hormones but I stopped breastfeeding in Feb and still have those moments (although not very often any more).

[Rebecca P.]

I'm glad to hear you are feeling better. Believe me when I say that I cannot imagine any mom not having these feelings at some point--as I know I did, and I have read many blogs that talk about this. The grieving process for the baby that you expected didn't end the day that you formally found out about the diagnosis. It is ok to be upset once in awhile and it is natural.

I will tell you that I rarely have a day like this now, but I had many in that first year.

My daily struggle now is for Miss E to communicate, not with strings of sounds and signs---but with words. She relies to heavily on using her own personalized cues for language, and I am afraid that while everyone in our house understands her--no one outside of us will.

*Sidenote: Miss E has tagged Miss B, you can read more about it on my blog.

[Michelle]

I'm glad you're feeling better, but it's also ok to feel sad at times, just as long as you don't let it consume you. Yes I even get sad sometimes...for the very reasons you mentioned too. It is hard to talk about because you think people will think you haven't accepted it yet, or feel sorry for you, or be glad their child is typical...any number of reasons...but our feelings are only natural. The days between feeling sad will be start to get longer and longer between them. I think maybe you read my post "guilt"? I was still feeling sad about her birth and feeling like I missed out on so much and that was 3 yrs ago! Hugs to you!

[Christine]

First - just wanted to say hi :) I linked to your blog from Always Chaos :) Miss B sounds darling and amazing! And - I have to say, I'm jealous that your precious girl is still a baby - babies are my favorite, and our Brady is our caboose - so no more babies for us! Second - sending hugs your way. I think it is so normal to have sad days, and every parent and person is different in how they grieve and attain acceptance. I myself had little problem with the diagnosis, and rarely felt sad, until Brady turned 3, and then I fell apart! So - there is no need to feel guilty or like being sad means you aren't accepting of your beautiful baby girl. I'm glad you are feeling better though. And - I have to say, I think the first year is generally the most difficult for most people - I'm just a little different (probably in more ways than that LOL).

I've enjoyed reading through your blog, I'll have to check back :)

Hugs!

[amy flege]

you know what? its ok to feel that way! we have all been there one way or another. I am glad you are feeling better and the cloud has passed!! hang in there! HUGS!

[Angie]

As others have said, I think it's perfectly normal to have these feelings. For me it seems to come totally out of the blue. I think it's a life long process. Glad you are feeling better!

[Tom]

Sadness is not a rejection. And it is something that you will probably always have some times. Mikey is 9 but I still have the blues about his condition sometimes. But at the same time I love him so much. Lying next to him at night as we relax in his bed and watch Sponge Bob I feel like life is perfect. But when I see him so lost in our world and so clueless about what life expects of him it makes me want to cry. I often find myself wishing he just had Down syndrome and the autism would go away.