Dear colleague

So, as you may have noticed, I've tried to make this blog anonymous.  I've told almost nobody in my real life that I have a blog.  I like the idea of being able to write here without worrying about what my mom will think, or my colleagues.  I think it allows me to be more honest. But I know that people I know read some of the same blogs that I read, and that they just might come across mine at some point.  I once happened upon a colleague's blog.  She made no effort to keep it anonymous and I recognized her immediately. I felt like such a voyeur, especially since the post was about personal medical stuff.  How awkward is that?  Next time I run in to her, do I say, "Soooooo… uhm… good news on that mammogram!" or do I just pretend not to know?  I pretended.  I never told her I'd read it and I never read it again.  The thought of colleagues reading my blog makes me squirm.  So, here's a shout out to anyone who knows me in person and finds my blog.  Please, just let me know.  It might change what I write here, it might not, but give me the choice by letting me know, ok?  And don't go spreading the word.  Let’s make it our little secret, shall we? Maybe I have delusions of grandeur.  It’s not as if many people are so interested in me, or are out searching for blogs about infertility, Down syndrome and the Pump-In-Style (now duly stored).  Seriously, who the hell do I think I am?

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Part of the reason for my paranoia is that my career feels a little shaky right now.  It’s been a rough few years, as you well know, and I don’t feel like I’ve quite lived up to the expectations they had for me when I was hired.  In the abstract, I know that I’ll land on my feet even if this job doesn’t work out, but it will be a rough transition for me and the family.  We moved 1000 miles for me to take this job. T and I have both made real sacrifices for it, and it’s my job that pays most of the bills.  Blah blah blah, enough ruminating.  There are other jobs, maybe even better ones. It will all work out.

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I have learned some valuable lessons from my Miss B that I try to use to keep work stress in perspective.  One is that I’m pretty damned resilient.  Another is that events that seem catastrophic at one time can turn out to be real gifts. A third is that there are a lot of important things in life that have nothing to do with work. Actually, I already knew that, but it has become that much more obvious to me since she was born.

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So, I’m trying to be not anxious.  And what are you up to? How’s the kid(s)?

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Here’s the thing:  I say I can be honest here because I’m anonymous, as if anonymity frees me from worrying about what people will think.  But as I’ve gotten to know you, dear reader who is not my colleague, I’ve come to care what you think.  So my blogging identity, just like my real life identity, now brings both the rewards and constraints of friendship.  I can’t see you, I don’t know what you sound like or how you smell (good I hope), for all I know you’re just some sort of Turing machine, but you tap into my social brain just like you’re a real live person.  Gee, I hope that isn’t the best compliment you get today.

Comments

[K.]

I like that. It's a different perspective and a very true one. I have lost one so-called friend because they found my blog and didn't care for the way I was trying to deal with their treatment of my situation. I think it's very true that blogs morph over time as you acquire a following. So, I'll say: I'm following your story. I hope it doesn't change what you write. I appreciate reading about how you are dealing with the situation that life has dealt you. While we are not in the same circumstances, I think there is a lot to learn from yours for mine. So keep up the good work! And, thanks for the compliment. I think it is the best one I've gotten today ;->

[amy flege]

It would be so weird to not be able to read your blog...so keep blogging girl!! I love how honest you are and true...I have also developed a friendship with you throug blogging and hopefully, our two little sweethearts will actually meet each other someday!

[The Pajama Mama]

A lot of what you wrote about is discussed in the following link. This is a common disclaimer used by many blogs. It goes right towards what you're saying and I hope you don't stop writing!!

http://thepajamamama.com/?page_id=144

[Shelley]

Hi - I know what you mean! I enjoy reading your blog - it takes me back to when the twins were that little. I don't even let my husband read mine! It is a bit like my diary, my odd thoughts or comments and even though I know that the blog is not really my 'personal space' - it is on the world wide web afterall! I feel that I can write freely and that a few lovely disembodied persons can share in some of my expereinces and I can share in some of theirs. As a person, a mother and as a mother of a child with T21. Thanks for blogging!

[Rebecca P.]

I completely understand your desire to be confidential. I have gone the opposite route and been way to open with my blog and people I know. It has never caused me a problem, but it can be sort of complicated feeling knowing that someone somewhere in a city I know has read my blog without ever mentioning it to me-nor do they comment. So for me, being public and openly blogging has not been a disadvantage-other than it is odd knowing that someone I know personally has read what I have written without ever acknowledging it.

Whew....that was another long comment-sorry.

[amy flege]

HEY LADY. READ MY BLOG. YOU HAVE BEEN TAGGED!!! :)