Road Map

I know I'm way behind the times, but I finally did read Jennifer's Roadmap to Holland.  Wow.  What struck me most about it was just how remarkably vivid it was.  My own memory of those early days after B was born is pretty hazy, especially of her (mere) four days in the NICU, but Jennifer captured every nuanced emotional detail, and I was transfixed.  This experience is so emotionally complex and I found it almost shocking to see my own private thoughts and emotions expressed by someone else, much more vividly and eloquently than I could have expressed them myself.  Jennifer, what have you been doing inside my head?  There is a moment when she describes reading the twins' chart in the NICU.  She hadn't had enough breast milk, so Avery had been given formula, and she sees the minuses marking all of the times that she wasn't present.  This was the most compelling description I've ever seen of that desperate not-enough feeling.  I got teary reading it as I remembered how I felt when I didn't have enough milk, which, looking back, was a stand in for the powerlessness I felt in the face of the diagnosis.  I had been overwhelmed with that "not-enough" feeling even though I didn't have another child miles away and another premature infant to care for!  I also remember how desperately I wanted to be holding B in the NICU while also wanting to get the hell out of there as fast as possible.  I had forgotten the tension of that, but Jennifer nailed it perfectly.  And that ubiquitous Babies with Down Syndrome book!  So disheartening. 

Frankly, I'm not a huge fan of the Welcome to Holland thing.  It's nice and all, but it all seems too tidy to me.  Or maybe it's just that I received so many copies of it when B was born that it quickly came to feel clichéd.  Or maybe I just resisted the pressure to feel comforted by it because I'm ornery that way. Whatever.  I love that Road Map to Holland is not so blithe.  Although it is painfully raw at times, I think that as a new mom, I would have taken more comfort in it than in its namesake.

Comments

[Little Miss E's Mom]

I think we all adhere more to the good AND bad than the pretty picture everyone wants us to think life is. Can't wait to pick up the book, everyone seems to love it!

[Tricia]

Well said. That minuses part touched me very deeply as well.

[Anne]

The minuses part got me, too. Very much so. My son was in the NICU for over a month, and then he was transferred to the pediatric cardiothoracic ICU at a different hospital for another interminably long stay. I would spend entire days in those hospitals and still there were more minuses than pluses. I already felt so low; those marks just made me feel worse, less.

[Tammy and Parker]

I soooo want to read this. Jennifer is simply amazing.

[jennifergg]

Thank you for writing about my book, and for sharing your experiences with it! It's so revealing to me to learn what others connect with...and the minuses. Oh my, I can see that page in my mind even now. Thank you, thank you for letting me know I'm not alone with them!